Little Baby: BIG Stir

The anger and grief that I felt over Wednesday’s call from Chester has faded. It hit me so hard, though, partly because I think I was so discouraged that even after six years of being divorced, I still have to fight these petty and ridiculous battles with my sons’ father and partly because I’m now 13 weeks pregnant and kind-of a walking hot mess, anyway.

I know that this is an odd thing for my kids to adjust to, their mom being pregnant with someone else’s baby, but life is odd. Generally, I don’t care what other people think of me or of what I do with my life, but apparently, I care about how my kids feel.

I know that they will shift and modify their thoughts and beliefs in order to win their father’s favor. It's pretty typical approval seeking behavior.  If they have to tell me they’re embarrassed of me to make dad feel like he’s won the Biblical Battle, I’m at least glad they feel safe enough with me to say things to me that they know I’m not going to like. There is no punishment for sharing feelings; especially if the ones they share aren't really their own.  Chester would never come up with “The Bible says it’s wrong,” on his own because Chester’s never read the Bible. He was told  that being gay is wrong and therefore, had to tell me.  It's important for me to tell them how I feel, but not to tell them how to feel. 

I know that they actually feel OK with this because of the way they responded to us telling them. I also know that they may go up and down and feel good and bad at different times, but I expect that. I love that Chester initially went with his heart and was excited, because that shows me that they are getting the message that I am modeling with my choices; the message that love and family can be created in ways that are not scripted by perceived convention. If we are to evolve, somebody’s got to push it. 

Plus, now that the boys know, everyone else in my family and my circle of friends can show their support of this decision. I talked with my Mom at length about what to do to combat the hate. We agreed it’s best to kill it with kindness. My sons adore their Grandad and Tim, and with their strong support and enthusiasm, we can show them a different approach to life; one that’s not clouded by fear and full of judgment.

I never intended to make a social statement  with this decision; I just wanted to help my friends.  Their sexuality was a non-issue for me.  Ironically, at the center of this BIG stir, is this tiny, little baby. As it flutters around and grows stronger every day, it has no idea that in the outside world, we are all growing stronger and our capacity to love is getting bigger, and we are all going to be better people, because soon, he/she will be here.