It Was Only a Dream

I had a nightmare last night.  It was one where you wake up and wonder, "Is that true? Can it be?"  It was so vivid and real, I had a mini panic attack first thing this morning when I opened my eyes. 

I dreamt that I was at the doctor for an OB check-up and I was waiting in the lobby.  In walked an old friend from high school, Jenn Jones.  She plunked down next to me and started asking me how I was feeling and if I could feel the baby moving.  I wondered how she even knew I was pregnant, but it became clear quickly that the baby I was carrying was HERS.  "What about Max and Bob?" I asked.

"They'll be here soon," she replied and soon enough, they were there. 

We were all in an ultrasound room and the tech was projecting pictures of the baby on the monitor.  Max and Bob were so excited because Jenn's baby in my belly was due in three months and then they'd be next in line to put their baby in my body.  Everyone seemed to know what was going on but me.  I deduced that there was a waiting list for my womb and Max and Bob weren't the only ones on the list.  I started crying.  The doctor told me that my tears were normal, as I should be very hormonal at this point.  He said they wouldn't wait long to put the next baby in me after this one was out if that's what I was worried about.  More tears.

I awoke with a gasp and a racing heart.  I had tears in my eyes and in my confusion and panic, I had to really think about whether that was real or not.  It was 5:13am. 

Funny that I had that dream.  Last night, as I was lying in bed snuggled up watching TV with the boys, I struggled desperately to stay awake.  I'm SO exhausted all the time.  By 6:00pm, I just want to go to bed.  I keep waiting for the Second Trimester Energy Burst to kick in, but it doesn't.  I feel like it's been so long since I've felt like myself or since I've even had my own body to myself.  Maybe that's why I had that dream. 

Before I got into bed last night, I was checking my body out in the mirror.  I can't button my pants anymore, my belt is on the last loop, everything is tight and I'm generally uncomfortable.  If I don't have food in my belly, I feel sick, so I'm constantly snacking and I rarely reach for the carrot sticks.  Right now, I'm kind of stuck on Hostess Fruit Pies.

I got rather depressed yesterday when I was on a website to check the status / development of the baby and it said, "Your baby now weighs 2.5 ounces."  WHAT? It weighs 2.5 OUNCES?  Then why the hell don't my pants fit?  Where did this ass come from?  (Don't say "fruit pies" because I don't like to hear the ugly truth). Ugh. 

I talked to Max about it yesterday and he noted, once again, that I was pretty. He also said that he and Bob recognize the importance of making sure I feel pretty all the time.  He has a checklist of "What not to say when talking to Carrie" which I appreciate very much, as I am easily thrown over the edge.  Ironically, I brag about how good and level headed I've been during this round of IVF, but I literally pulled a cheese stick out of Max's hand as he was about to take a bite and asked, "Are you gonna eat that?"

"Nope.  I wasn't at all," he said matter of factly, handing it to me. 

I feel guilty for being so wiped out all the time and not being able to hold my head up after 7:30pm.  I feel terrible knowing I've put on all this weight and the kid isn't even the size of a grapefruit.  I'm too fat to show my face at the gym and I sound shallow as hell when I complain, especially while shoving Hostess snack cakes in my face. 

But, I'm so tired of being a floppy, exhausted mass of flab and I want my old body back, yesterday.  Patience has never been my strong suit.  And, just now, I felt the baby flutter so...I know, I know.  I'm not just fat; I'm pregnant.  I'm very hard on myself.  I wanted to be the girl who had the tight little baby bump this time.  The girl who didn't look pregnant from the back - maybe I'd be on the cover of Fit Pregnancy Magazine? Alas, that dream is not going to come true. 

Of course, neither is the one I had last night.  My body is not a baby factory and there is no line of people waiting for me to grow their babies for them.  It's "one and done" for me.  I am grateful for some dreams that don't come true.