Yesterday, February 20th, was Josh’s birthday. I met him on his 13th birthday, 26 years ago, when I crashed his pool party at the Ridpath Hotel. A lot of my junior high classmates were going, so I tagged along. Little did I know it at the time, but Josh would become my first “everything.” He was the first boy that held my hand, my first kiss, my first love and my first best, best friend.
When I turned 13, he hosted a birthday party for me at his house, and he gave me my first dozen roses. That boy was pure and sweet and true to me from the day that we met and there has rarely been a day that has gone by since the day we first met that I have not thought about him. I think my birthday party was the first night that he’d really hung out with Max, too. They soon became inseparable and it was either the three of us hanging around together or Max and I jockeying for his affections for the better part of junior high and high school. There was always enough of him to go around, though, as Josh was filled to the brim with affection for his friends and family.
He quickly became a member of our family, as I’m sure my folks felt better with both of us under their roof and their watchful eye, versus out “being teenagers and getting into trouble.” But, trouble found us. For kids, we drank too much, smoked too much and partied too hard. I look back on that time and feel very lucky we made it through adolescence alive. Unfortunately, drugs and alcohol got their nasty hooks in Josh, and he fought with them for the remainder of his days.
But my memories with him and our times together, both good and bad, are some of the fondest of my life. At his memorial, as old friends of his and his parents stood in a circle telling “Josh Stories” I told everyone that he was the co-author of my coming-of-age story; I grew up with that boy and many pivotal moments of my youth were “our moments.”
We were young, passionate, fierce and immature and we broke each other’s hearts as often as we filled them, but we always found our way back to each other. Even after I was married, I’d go have dinner with him sometimes when my husband was traveling for work and he’d spin my wedding ring on my finger and ask me, “Why?” I didn’t have a really good answer. I didn’t know why, especially since I wanted out of my marriage the minute I set foot down the isle. Josh and I couldn’t be together for so many reasons, but we struggled with being apart, too.
Josh moved away to Arizona in 1996. Over the years, as he went on many adventures and made and lost fortunes, we never lost contact. When I finally did have the courage to leave my husband, I went to Arizona to see Josh. Our connection was as deep as ever, but our lives were so different. We were still two kids with all those intense feelings for each other still, but it wasn’t meant to be for us and we knew it. I had kids and he lived like a kid. We knew we loved each other so much, but there wasn’t any place to put those feelings except to know they were there, they were real, and we would always mean the world to each other.
When he moved back to Spokane a couple years ago, he was on a rough path. He was drinking so much and though he wanted to stop, he wasn’t able. Max and I talked about it often and shared our fears. “I'm worried he’s not going to make it to 40,” Max would say. Though I knew he was probably right, I didn’t want to believe it. It made me angry and sad, though, that his beautiful, sweet soul was drowning in booze. Josh and I argued a lot because I just wanted to see him stop, get a job, be responsible. It wasn’t my job or my right to tell him how to live, of course, and he resented me trying to push him in a direction that he didn’t want to go. Josh and I eventually had a falling out and I told him, finally, “I’m done, Josh.” That was in October of 2008.
We didn’t speak again until March of 2009 when I got a text message at 4:30am one morning. “I love you. I will always love you.” Though I know those feelings were genuine, I knew he had been drinking and I didn’t reply. I couldn’t deal with it right then. I wasn’t ready. I didn’t want to call him when he was drunk because there was a good chance it would end in a fight and I didn’t want to fight.
Our 20th high school reunion was coming up in a few months and I knew I could talk to him then, face to face, with Max there, too. I told Max about the texts and he said that Josh had told him that he figured he went too far. I let it drop, knowing I’d see him and talk to him soon.
But, I never saw him or talked to him again.
One afternoon in April, I got a call from Max. “Hey,” I said. “What’s up?”
“Have you heard?” he said.
“Heard what?” I asked.
“Josh died.”
“What? No he didn’t? What? When? How? Oh my God.”
I dropped into a chair in my kitchen. I didn’t have words. We sat silently for a minute. Neither of us could even comprehend it. It was too unreal. It couldn’t be. He was so excited about this baby. It was going to be the thing that brought us all together; this baby was going to unify us again. Now, he is gone. I still can’t believe it.
On the night of his memorial, I told Max that Josh probably died just in time to be reincarnated as his baby born from my body. It brought us a chuckle during one of the saddest times in our lives. It made a little bit of sense, really, considering it was one way to be the center of attention and the recipient of pure love from some of the people he loved most on the planet. I do believe that our souls travel together lifetime after lifetime. It’s not out of the question, considering our three strong soul connection.
Will we see that familiar sparkle in this baby’s eyes? Will we hear that infectious giggle that used to make everyone laugh? Will this baby’s gentle touch remind us of Josh’s gentle heart? I hope so.
I hope I get to hold Josh again.
Dude! You can not tell me to read your blog without warning me! I started crying during the first paragraph and still have tears rolling down my face. It is a beautiful tribute, and although I didn't know Josh very well, I always felt love from him, because we both loved you.
ReplyDeleteYou are on a roll my friend, and perhaps Josh is up there pulling some strings. Thanks for sharing.
Love you.
Bus
Hello Carrie,
ReplyDeleteAlthough you and I never met. Josh and I were very good friends in college. He went to Seattle Central and I went to the Art Institute but we lived in the same dorms on the Seattle University campus.
I haven't seen Josh since around 1994 when he visited the town I was living in (Reno). It wasn't from a lack of trying though. I have tried multiple times to locate him on the internet and today I actually found him. I expected that to be a good thing until I ran across the information that he has passed on. This just tears a hole in my heart.
Josh opened his heart, home and family to me during the college years. My family was so far away and he know that I would spend a lot of Holidays on my own unless someone gave me that warm invitation. I was fortunate enough to meet Max, his folks, Alan, and another fella name Paul, which you probably know from your attachment with Josh. Well needless to say, I grew to love him and all his friends and always appreciated and still appreciate the openness of their friendship during a chaotic part of my life.
If you still talk to Max, Allen, Paul and Josh's folks, can you please give them a big hug for me and let them know that they and Josh made a huge influence in my life and I do think about them even 20+ years later.
Sincerely,
Paul N. Marche