I’ll never forget when Bob and I were driving up to Mt. Vernon to have our very first ultrasound with our first surrogate. Bob was all smiles and couldn’t drive fast enough to get to the appointment. I, on the other hand, sat in silence. I had seen way too many TV shows and movies where the doctor starts the ultrasound and everyone gets more and more uncomfortable as the doctor stares at the screen not saying anything. Eventually someone breaks the silence and begs the doctor to say something…anything! The doctor finally reaches up and turns off the monitor. No words need to be said to know the outcome.
My fears came to life for us exactly this way. The doctor switched off the monitor and asked us to come out into the hall. We had lost our baby at 7 weeks. A number of my friends have miscarried and I always thought how difficult that must be. But I never really understood the depth of loss until it happened to us. It was not only the loss of a life - it was the loss of a dream and of a purpose.
Since Carrie signed up for this journey a year ago on New Year’s Day, we have probably had nearly 20 ultrasounds. To get to the point of embryo transfer the doctors monitored Carrie’s progress through vaginal ultrasounds. As she got closer to the transfer day the ultrasounds showed them how thick her uterine wall was "not" getting. They consider 8 millimeters or more “optimal” conditions for transfer. But each time we had an ultrasound we weren’t quite there, which meant more time and more hormones for Carrie. We knew how difficult the medications were for her, so each additional day she had to be on them broke our hearts. The medications are hell, and us being the reason she was going through hell was unbearable.
Our final ultrasound right before transfer in November was yet another turning point. The doctor explained how her uterine lining was only 6 millimeters and that things were not “optimal.” It was a sad moment. We had come so far and now we had a choice – do we take Carrie off the meds and not move forward with our final three embryos or do we go for the embryo Hail Mary? This was the toughest decision of our lives. The doctor said if it were his wife, he'd recommend that she stop the cycle and take a break, have a period and then start the process over again in three months. He suggested we think about it and we all left the office feeling pretty low."
"What are your feeling, Carrie?" I asked. "What are your thoughts?"
"Max, if you ask me to end this cycle and start over, I will," she said. "But, I might resent the hell out of you forever if you do." The one thing that we promised is that we'd be honest with each other always. I know that I can count on her to tell me the truth, and judging by the look of defeat on her face, I knew we were in "final decision" mode.
In the end, we decided that we needed a new chapter. We had to go for it now in these less than perfect conditions and trust that destiny would take its course. We realized that we not only wanted to become dads, but that we wanted to become dads with Carrie's help. This journey had to include her and we were willing to take the big risk to make this dream happen.
After we found out Carrie was pregnant in early December, our first ultrasound was just after Christmas. This ultrasound was to determine if the pregnancy was viable. Though her blood work showed excellent levels of HCG, I started losing sleep about a week before the screening. As the nurse started searching around for the embryo, I started to feel light headed. I looked at the floor trying to figure out where I could lie down. My head will go against the cabinet and my feet will go towards the door, I thought to myself. But just as I got ready to position myself on the floor, Carrie uttered the most amazing words; “I see a heartbeat, Max.”
And even though she's been telling me she can feel it moving and all the signs point to this working out, I still didn’t sleep before this Monday’s appointment. I’m getting better at this ultrasound thing. I think that I will never completely be OK before the upcoming ultrasounds (we have another one on March 1st where we will be able to find out the sex). But, now my impending feeling of stress and doom before ultrasounds is being replaced with excitement and honor, as we all get a peek at our beautiful, miraculous future.
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